Since becoming a mom, I am more protective and cautious than I have ever been in my life. When I was single, I was adventurous and more carefree because it was only my life that I was concerned about. I had even reached a peaceful point in my early 20’s where I said, “Ok Lord, send me, no matter what the cost!” Not that I desired to be a martyr for Christ but I was accepting of the possibility. With great thankfulness, the Lord released me from that kind of life and called me to marriage and family, which were the deepest desires of my heart.
This is when my willingness to “give it all” began to shift. My life became more than just myself. First, I gained a husband, who is the person I love the most on this earth. Then our family grew and I became a mom to our two girls. Safety and protection immediately became a top concern to me. You won’t see me speeding through a yellow light just to get somewhere two minutes faster since I have my babies in the backseat. I no longer try to find a parking spot that is closer to the door, but instead, one that is beside a cart return so that I can load and unload my babies safely. My eyes are always on my girls, even if they are in the arms of someone I trust with their life. I am always asking Kaleb to text me when he arrives or leaves a destination. Their lives matter to me.
So when Jesus asks me to give everything to Him and consider anything other than Him of lesser value, I find myself hesitating. I’m not afraid to admit this – I need to admit this and not walk in denial because I don’t want to operate in fear. I don’t want to give Him anything less than what He asks of me.
Why is this such a hard concept for me to accept?
Because I know the state that the world is in. I understand what may be required of Christians in the future and what the consequences of standing firm in our faith may be. I love my husband and my children, but I know the potential situations we could end up in as Christians.
Could I be “ok” with watching my children be martyred in front of me if I or they do not deny Christ? Can I find peace in knowing that if we raise our family right, we will never truly lose each other since there is a glorious eternity waiting for all of us?
The answer is yes. Because my Father is not a giver of fear, but of peace.
But I’ll be honest, it’s not a place I have come to yet. I have peace but sometimes fear trickles in. This is where Kindgom living can seem unappealing, when in fact, it’s the complete opposite!
What would it be like to walk in absolute, complete freedom and reckless abandon?! To say, “God, I choose you! No matter what the cost! My house doesn’t matter, my status doesn’t matter, my money doesn’t matter, my family doesn’t matter, and I don’t matter! It was all Yours to begin with, so why do I covet these things as if they are mine?!”
I want this kind of freedom! My husband and I will continue a heavy pursuit of Jesus and our children will begin their pursuit of Him at a very early age. They will walk in the gifting of the Holy Spirit and with greater authority than we ever will.
Because I want to live in great peace knowing that my entire family will be together in eternity.
I don’t care who I offend if we choose not to participate or be fully committed in sports. I’d rather see them worshipping their Father and weeping over souls in a House of Prayer than skipping church for basketball practice or a tournament. I don’t care who judges us for taking our kids out in rough areas to evangelize and pray for hurting, lost, and possibly dangerous people. I don’t care who talks about us for not doing “Santa Claus” or the “Easter Bunny” because we want our children to never question the reality of Holy Spirit. I don’t care if people know that we do not celebrate Halloween because of the darkness that can infiltrate your soul for participating in an anti-Christ holiday, no matter how “innocent” the approach. I don’t care who whispers when we tell our children not to run and play in the sanctuary because it is a place of reverance.
My children will not stray from their Father. They will be in pursuit of Him for their whole lives. I won’t have to worry about their eternity. And that’s what gives me peace in our current state of the world. This is how, as a protective and cautious mother, I am able to find peace in giving Jesus EVERYTHING.
Everything, including my family.
This has not been an easy process and is still on my mind daily. While I pray and intercede that my family will never be faced with this kind of situation, I still pray for peace if it ever does.
The Lord is good and brings revelation moments at just the right moments. I was driving to the grocery store today with the girls napping in the backseat. I had a playlist going and started in prayer, but felt the Lord tell me just to listen and be still. A song then came on, which is one that I’ve listened to many times and really like. But hearing it this time brought me to a different place of peace I had never felt before with this song. It’s a song by Leeland called, “Where You Are”. The lyrics to the chorus go like this:
I just wanna be where You are I just wanna be near Your heart There is nothing like Your love There is nothing like Your love
I felt like Jesus gave me a glimpse of eternity. I can’t explain it. It made me truly long for heaven and to be with Jesus forever. It made me realize how glorious of a moment it would be if my family was separated by death. Yes, it would be devastating. Yes, it would be painful. Yes, there would be great sorrow and grieving. But also a great peace and rejoicing knowing that I would KNOW there would be a reunion in heaven with our Father and our family.
Again, I never ever want this to happen to my family. I am not declaring martyrdom over my family. But I am accepting all aspects of Kingdom living and walking in more freedom than ever before!
I’ll end with a few lyrics from this Rita Springer song:
The sight of Your face is all I need
So I will say to You
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it all
Jesus, I just want to be where You are. I want to be more like you and truly see You as the only thing of value. I turn my family over to You and trust Your leadership in protecting our eternity with You, together. You are so much greater than anything. You are worth it all!
“Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you will also live.” John 14:19