It’s been a while since my last blog post. Over 6 months, to be exact.
For our family, these past 6 months have been a complete whirlwind of emotions. We have experienced times of excitement, expectancy and contentment…as well as grieving, confusion and frustration. All over one word.
When the Lord began to whisper this word to us, it put us in a strange place. A good place…but strange, nonetheless. My husband, Kaleb, and I each began to handle it differently, yet together. I think that’s the beauty of our relationships with Jesus. He knows me. He knows Kaleb. He knows how to communicate with us individually in a way that benefits and grows our marriage.
Without needing to go into much detail, we felt the Lord leading us to lay down our current job in ministry. At first it was hard to comprehend. In our imperfect, human minds, we felt the need to keep holding on until we knew what was coming next. Usually, when you transition in ministry, you already have something that follows and it usually requires moving. But the Lord had a different plan. He very clearly let us know that He was asking us to obey step one – lay it down.
Without knowing what comes next. Hence, the roller coaster of emotions.
At this point, I’ll share my side of the story and what I have learned in my personal journey. When I took time to reflect on the past 6 months, I came to the conclusion that I’ve learned – and I mean, truly learned, two things about Jesus and who He is.
He is good.
I’m in love with His goodness. Everything about Him is good. He’s a good Father, a good friend, a good listener, a good advocate, a good presence, a good disciplinarian and a good God. I used to unfairly question His goodness when things around me were not understandable. I used to find fault in Him when things got hard.
But He has just completely covered me with grace and showered me with affection during this season of correction and revelation. His grace is so good.
He truly cannot let me down. He has become my song in the morning, my rock, my hope, and my breath. He takes bad situations, which He does not create, and brings good out of them. For a long time, a part of me did not believe this. There was a nasty piece of me that was always cynical about who God is. Thankfully, He lovingly corrected me and renewed my mind. It’s actually completely refreshing to not have preconceived ideas about how I think He is and how I think He should move. It’s much more beautiful to reflect on His goodness and really see Him in everything. In nature, in other people, in myself and in His word. I can’t explain why bad things happen, but I can tell you from personal experience that He is good.
He’s in the waiting.
Back in December, God asked us to wait. I could not understand this at first and it caused me great anxiety. I didn’t know what exactly “wait” was exactly going to involve. I was guilty of associating a season of waiting with being “stuck”. But, oh, how wrong I was. Waiting has been the greatest thing that I have ever done for Him. I’ll take waiting any day.
It was during this time of waiting that I found Him. I mean, REALLY found Him. I have served Him my entire life but it hasn’t been until recently that I fell in love with Him. He showed me that He has been pursuing me before I was even a thought. All it finally took was me pursuing Him back. Not pursuing ministry, not pursuing acts of service, not pursuing a church service, not pursuing “what’s right”, not pursuing religion.
Just Him. Only Him.
He’s been whispering to me for a while and I finally listened. I don’t care what it looks like to other people. I don’t care if people don’t understand our decisions. I don’t care if they don’t like the answers we do and don’t give about our transition.
What I care about is that I just want Jesus. And if He asks me to lay it all down, that’s what I’m going to do.
In the waiting, He has proven to me that He won’t fail me. He will take care of our growing family, our finances, our vehicle needs, our health, our house and our jobs. But more than that, He also cares about our hobbies and our interests! Our joy, our happiness.
In the waiting, He has talked to me. He promised me that during this time He wouldn’t be silent and that He would be present. He shows up sometimes when I am least expecting it and can’t help but feel loved and at complete peace. I’ve had memorable times where it’s just me sitting in the living room after my kids have gone to sleep. I would ask Him to come and He did. Right away. Just for me. It’s incredible. Sometimes He spoke. Sometimes He didn’t say anything, but He didn’t have to. His presence was enough.
This is the Jesus I am finally getting to know. If He asked us to lay it all down just for this, He has been worth it. He is still worth it. Worth it all.
He is good. He’s in the waiting.
It seems so simple. I have sung countless songs with these lyrics, but until I lived it and until Jesus encountered me in ways that only He knows how, I finally believe it. I could meditate on this side of Jesus forever, which is just mind-blowing there are never-ending characteristics about Him. I have fallen so in love with Him.
Is this still a scary time? Sure. There is tons of uncertainty. But what I can be certain about is that He is good. He is present. He holds our tomorrow, whatever that looks like. He’s madly in love with my family.
He is faithful to His promises.
He’s so good to me.
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14
When did you find Him? What is your testimony?